Dear Chris Brown,

You, sir, have the largest golden horseshoe up your ass.

Not only did you pretty much walk away with not a scratch on you after that “little” altercation between you and your then girlfriend Robyn Fenty (or ‘Rihanna’ as some call her). But you went on to release a few hit records, play various sold out shows in America, and even had your time to shine at the Grammys.

My oh my, sir. I applaud you.

I have to admit, I didn’t know who the hell you were until your whole little rampage on your “boo”. And I honestly, could’ve cared less. Until the photo. Jesus, man, you did a fucking number on her.

But clearly, if everything listed here about the whole altercation is true I suppose she deserved it. http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1606481/chris-brown-police-report-provides-details-altercation.jhtml

For one, she violted your privacy. How dare she? For myself, a man with many plutonic female friends, I would also be quite offended if my beautiful and talented better-half put my loyalty into question over a 3-page text from a woman I used to sleep with. The key word there is USED to…duh-doi!

Also, you gave her an out. You stopped the car, opened the door, and she couldn’t even be bothered to unfasten her seatbelt so you could push her out of the vehicle and onto the street with ease? C’mon, am I right? She was pretty much asking for it at this point! She clearly WANTED to stay in the car so you could continue to smash her in the face and arms with your right fist whilst continuing to drive with your left.

I applaud you were in control of your driving by the way, most abusers might have done the whole knee-driving thing so they could use the power of both fists on the deserving party.

After she wouldn’t get out of the car (and you smooshed her defenseless head into the window causing a contusion) she had the audacity to FAKE a call to her assistant. I mean, really, trying to turn the tables at this point, when clearly all those years of dancing have buffed you up to the point where you can take on someone half your size, was entirely dumb of her.

I’m getting a bit off topic.

Despite all these horrible things that have happened to your career in recent years, you’ve barreled through. With constant support of your friends and fans, you have really come on top at proving that anyone can be forgiven for beating the shit out of another human being.

The media does twist things, don’t they? Do you think they would care if you beat the shit out of Chris Martin? But as SOON as the victim has a vagina, it’s a whole other ballgame! What happened to equality?

I assume you’re not the chivalrous type to open a door for a woman, but the type who opens the door then smashes it on her leg if she tries to go into a building before you. Equality. You’re doing it right.

If anything you’ve shown to any of your aspiring young fans who look up to you, that you can do this sort of heinous crime and get away with it. Sure you’ll have your haters. But you’ll also have the loving support of female fans who want you to beat the shit out of them too because you’re “so fine”. http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys

Don’t let these people spewing vile words towards you get you down. Continue to sound like a whiny little bitch on Twitter, it’s OK. You have a Grammy! One of the most prestigious awards on the planet next to a Teen Choice Award (where I’m sure you’ll also sweep up this year.)

Keep strong, my friend. Keep fit and strong. And know that if you ever start to doubt that you’re not as famous as you’d like to be, just take it out on another woman. It’s proven that money and awards will flood in.

May I suggest attacking Lady Gaga next? She comes with a scepter. Your defense could be “She was asking for it! She came equipped with a weapon!”

I’ll be waiting for you.

All the best.

Sincerely,

- Satan.

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To Chris Brown,

You’re going to be gang raped in Hell. And stop thanking me when you accept awards.

Sincerely,

- God.