Ho boy. Everyone bear with me on this post, all right? And let me just say up front, this post is more for me than it is for any of you. You’ve been fucking warned…

All right, I have plenty to say about Germany. Well at least the Berlin part, which we’ll deem “Part I” of my Germany quest. But I’m going to attempt to shed some light on a recent decision I made that was probably, in hindsight, going to be inevitable since I decided to abandon London and travel ’round Europe…

I’m getting a lot of “What happened to the plan?” and “Why are you going back to Toronto?” which I know, in reality, translates to “You cunt, giving up already?!”

The truth is I think I gave myself an unrealistic and exaggerated vision on what would happen when I took this leap. I admit it. And you know why I exaggerated? Because I had no fucking clue and I just really wanted to leave Toronto. I just assumed and hoped for the best, but sometimes that just isn’t enough. There’s so many things I didn’t take into account or research before coming out here. I really did rush into this, but I think I hid behind my real reasons for leaving by putting forth a “I’M GOING TO HOPEFULLY LEAD A BETTER LIFE ABROAD” sort of ideal behind why I really boarded that plane.

So here’s a fancy nonsensical numeric step-by-step of the argument I’ve been having with myself in my mind for the last three months.

1. I should’ve lined up a job beforehand. This was a major mistake. But I was fresh off a show that, for the most part, really drained me. So I really, desperately, wanted the time off. And I think this influenced me not looking for work before coming out here. I think deep down, I just wanted to get the fuck out of Toronto. I was done with it. Work, drink, work, drink, work, eat, drink, etc. That was the main extent of my schedule and I wanted out. And the easiest way I could get as far away from it as I could? Well, buy a ticket to London ya dopey twat, of course!

2. The financial crisis. I had NO CLUE what the situation was like out here. I may have a degree in journalism, but I’m also a North American so anything happening beyond my borders I tend to either overlook or say “Hmm that’s interesting” and forget it instantly. But among a number of other things that I’ll be taking away with me from this venture, is that while I’ve learned so much about living (and the cost of it) in Europe,  no matter how much I think I’ve learned, I really doubt I’ve scratched the surface. The cost of living in London is just not going to be affordable for me, at least not this time around. To afford a place I should be able to find good….

3. Work. From my first job in London and talking to the various people in the industry here, from what I gather the film and TV business is not nearly as massive as the commercial/advert market. This is NOT to say that jobs don’t exist in those creative fields, but the competition seems just as a high, if not higher, than Toronto. The original goal was to come out here and do something BETTER than what I was doing in Toronto. I’m not slagging off what I did in Toronto, I really do feel lucky and appreciate that I have been able to work in an industry I want to excel in. I think, in the past, I have unfairly slagged off work. But if anything, the work kept me IN Toronto. Now, I’m not saying it’s a glamorous job but I will fucking take it over working at a Tesco…no offense to anyone who works in a Tesco I just don’t think I could do it, three years at HMV was enough.

4. Toronto vs. London. This is what weighed on my mind for months. Do I stick it out in London, hope for the best, work a bum job, pay high rent, and stick to my guns? Or do I take advantage of this time, travel with the money I have, and  return to Toronto to work for a year, live cheap and save up to return to Europe? When I decided to travel and head to Paris, I still hadn’t made up my mind and was still job searching whilst on the road ready to come back to London at the first sign of an interesting job. And by interesting I mean…not HMV. I started to think “What about my CV?” Sure, I worked in TV for close to three years in Toronto, but due to the length of the series my CV feels sort of bare…I think I need more. Do you know what I mean? Probably not…in my mind the more shows I rack up on my CV the better I like it. I feel I can do this better in Toronto. Maybe I jumped the gun a little quickly on floating overseas. However that’s not entirely true either as I’m happy that I did this even though nothing really went according to plan…ha! Or maybe everything did go according to plan but I just lied to everyone else. I like that thought better..

5. The conclusion. My working visa for the UK doesn’t expire until near the end of 2013. Now that I have spent all of my money and am literally left with no choice BUT to come back, I’ve made the rough plan that I would come back to Toronto, live as cheap as I can, save money, make time for writing, film the short with Tom, and save up to return to the UK in a years time (at the max) and upon my return HAVE a job lined up this time ’round and don’t be a dopey fuck about it.

6. What I’ve taken away. While my journey is still a while from being over, this trip was anything but pointless. I have not been motivated to write and create for so long, and being abroad has reignited that ambition that was buried under the long hours of the nightshift and making excuses on weekends not to write or pursue anything in Toronto. I now feel confident in the goal I want and the steps I need to take to get there, with the help of contacts and especially with the advice of my good friend and ex-boss in LA.

6.5 Another thing is seeing, living and experiencing other cultures has made me realize how ignorant I was to ever think “I’m not interested in traveling abroad.” Because honestly, before this trip getting me on a plane to London was just an impulsive decision. I didn’t have a plan, I was just bored in Toronto and wanted a shake up. I know I’m like a cunting broken record but traveling abso-fucking-lutely broadens the mind. I’ve been to London, Paris, Madrid, Venice, Rome, Slovenia, Budapest, Prague, Germany and soon to Belgium. I’m not bragging, but those of you who know me would know I would NEVER FUCKING DO THIS.

And I attribute everything I’ve written and the motivation that’s surfaced to this trip. As much as it will pain me to return to Canada, the travel bug is now officially in my system (something I used to think would never happen as I hate flying, I don’t particularly take to meeting new people and am more comfortable being on my own). And I’m determined to do more of it…when some fucking money comes in. I feel no regrets from this, and even though I say it “pains” me to return to Canada…I guess I’ll admit I sort of miss it. WEll not “it” as much as other things…like…cheap movies at the AMC on weekends. Sigh…

Although I would definitely live in Venice the rest of my life if the film industry suddenly boomed there…

There does that do it? Have I answered every question? I think these questions were actually burning in my own mind and no one elses. But it feels good to have written out my answers.

Ah, fuck it. Germany Pt. I will have to wait until later in the week. I still have a few days left in Berlin. Let’s just say I’ve given Germany complete custody over my liver and also, if you ever travel here, do NOT call some stranger you play fuseball against a “motherfucker”. Even jokingly, it doesn’t sit well with the locals…

Talk to you in a few days.

Cheers,

- B.